Trapped

As I sat there gazing at the gray clouds ready to burst into a million tiny raindrops,

There were a dozen thoughts racing through my mind. “Who am I?”; “What am I doing here?”” What am I?” So many questions but no one to answer them.

It was difficult being raised by a single mother, but the thought of being separated from her never occurred. Now, being in that situation without a mother telling me everything’s going to be alright. In an unfamiliar country, in a house so estranged. I can’t help but feel trapped…

I have always been the person everyone turns to for help, advice, support…but who am I to turn to? I’m always dazed and blur. Like my soul and mind are trying to break through all this suppression.

I was told to write an essay. The topic assigned was ‘Trapped’. Everyone was writing about being trapped in a lift, a supermarket, a toilet even!! All that came to my mind was being stuck inside me. Unable to come out of this body. Unable to stop this feeling of always being tied down. All attempts to escape being futile like I’m being held hostage by my own body. Unable to return to the time where there was nothing to worry about. Unable to return to the place where sorrow and grief were mere words in the dictionary. Back to the place where I could express myself without being afraid of offending anyone. To the place filled with the satisfaction and awareness of being loved.

My body is stuck here but my heart is in that sanctuary where I feel safe. “You’re not alone” says the queen of my sanctuary (mother).

True enough, I’m not alone. I have a loving family around me yet I’m alone. The key player of my world is missing.

This is the “Me”, who is afraid to be “Me”. I am here and I am trapped in who I am supposed to be. I need to break out in order to be me again. But for now I have to be what they want me to be. Someday, and I am sure that day will come when I’ll spread my wings and learn how to fly. I’ll keep trying until ii can soar up till the sky.

Someday,

But for now I’m trapped…

-Rasna Lertnamwongwan